I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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