My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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