I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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