my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
