living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
