Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
