Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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