So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
