My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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