there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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