you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
