today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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