you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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