At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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