just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
