I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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