I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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