I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
