please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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