wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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