youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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