Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
