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Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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