Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize