phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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