omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
