I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Come on in and take your pants off
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