i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
