Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
