probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
