atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
