Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
