I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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