PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
