I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
