Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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