i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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