I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
