I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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