I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
