she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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