sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
