okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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