I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize