Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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