mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
