i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
