I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
