if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Pants are for mortals
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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