One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I need to calm my uterus...
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