I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
