saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
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