i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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