my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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