Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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