i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
