I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
