my being single is dangerous.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
