I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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