chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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