"it" just moved
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize