Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
