If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
