fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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