Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
