o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
